


The Yao Wang Chronicles

by FiredUberDriver



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Real World, Ass-Kicking, Attempt at Humor, Bad Parenting, CHINA GOT HIS BELT AND HE AIN'T AFRAID TO WHIP A BITCH, Crack, Dark Humor, Funny, Humor, M/M, News Media, Newspapers, Olympics, Rio olympics, i don't know sometimes i make jokes that make me look bad, may be offensive, my jokes can be fucked up, so yeah i guess ima tag dark humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-08-09 12:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7801933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiredUberDriver/pseuds/FiredUberDriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[WARNING THIS IS CRACK, I REPEAT CRACK!!!!!!!!]<br/>- Yao wants to kick some cameraman ass<br/>- Kiku was left alone at the airport<br/>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br/>YAO MUST TRAVEL TO RIO, BRAZIL TO DO SOMETHING AMAZING!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. HOW IT ALL STARTED

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for what I'm about to put you through...

**YAO WANG DROWNS IN THE SWIMMING COURSE!**  
"What the fuck, aru?" The sixty year old man cursed, angrily throwing the remote at the TV. Except it didn't exactly hit the TV, it hit something else. "Ouch! Papa, you hit me!" His adopted son, Kiku, cried, rubbing his head. "Oh grow up, damn baby." Yao angrily muttered, getting up from his luxury couch. "Papa, wai-" Yao slammed the door, cutting off his annoying ass son. "How dare they show my Rio Olympic fail! Especially on worldwide television!" Yao screamed, "I must go to back to Rio..." -Insert zooming effect on Yao's face and serious music-

((WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK ON DISNEY CHANNEL!))  
~  
((Hi, my name is Yao from Hetalia and you're watching Disney channel! Wow, these fucking effects are cheesy, my wand doesn't even work... *YAO THE SCRIPT* whoops~))  
~  
"Kiku, my son..." Yao dramatically begun, "we must go fly to Rio, Brazil!" He announced. -Insert zooming effect on Kiku's face and dramatic gasp- "Rio, Brazil!?!?" Kiku said in awe. "Yeah, except yo little punk ass ain't goin', aru." Yao angrily said. "But papa you said, we!" Kiku argued, "I must go!" He said. "Hell no, as we, I mean that hot man from Good Will I met the other day. "Wasn't he married?" Kiku asked. "She doesn't have to know..." Yaoi, I mean Yao whispered. "Papa, please let me go with you!" Kiku begged, slamming himself on the ground, "please papa, I beg of you!" Yao sighed, "if only it'll get you to shut yo annoying ass mouth then yes." "YAY." Kiku cheered.

((WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK ON DISNEY CHANNEL!))  
~  
((Hi, my name is Kiku from Hetalia and I LIKE DIC- *KIKU, FAMILY FRIENDLY!!!!* you're watching dickney channel!))  
~  
**@The airport in LA, CA**  
\---------------------  
"Hey, Kiku. Can you be a good child for once and go get yo papa sum cigs?" Yao asked his child. "Sure thing!" Kiku cheerfully replied, bouncing over to the man selling cigarettes. "Hello, sir!" Kiku smiled, waving at the tall man. "What do you want baby bastard?" The italian man asked, glaring at kiku. "my daddy wants some cigarettes!" Kiku chirped. "Oh yeah, where's ya daddy at now, baby bastard?" The guy who is most likely named Lovino said. "i don't know." Kiku said, shrugging. "Ugh, you're too damn annoying, I'm leaving. I gotta go to Rio." The man said, slapping baby bastard, I mean Kiku in the head. Kiku cried, then instantly recovered because he's a bad bitch and can take a bullet for his dad.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``  
((WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK ON DISNEY CHANNEL!))  
((*STAY STILL LOVI~* TOMATO BASTA- *SHH, JUST LET IT HAPPE-* NO, IT WON'T FI- *Uhm, sorry disney children we are having some technical difficulties with our staff!*))  
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. THE CHAPTER I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yaoi wang is aboot 2 do some cool shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read at your own risk, thank you.

Whatever, about like ten hours later and after all that fuck shit happened Mr. Wang-His-Chicken-Dong-Dang arrived in Rio, Brazil with his child, Chrysanthemum (in case your stupid ass didn't know what Kiku's name translated to in english, it means, "chrysanthemum," which is also a unisex name. haha, facts! *rolls eyes* I'm not getting paid enough...) Licking his delicious chocolate coated dick- I mean ice cream bar, was Chrysanthemum Wang-Honda. "Kiku, you're going to get fat like that kid over there, stop eating...fat ass..." Yao sighed, as if he didn't already have enough problems. Now he's even more stressed, Kiku could easily become a fatty. "But Daddy, you haven't fed me in five days..." Kiku nearly cried, clutching onto his Popsicle stick that held his ice cream together. "Bitch please." Yao said, slapping the cool and sticky ice cream right off of the stick, causing it to hit someone who was passing by. "Você é um babaca!" = (you're a asshole) Yelled the man who got ice cream in his face. Yaoi chicken wang shot the middle finger at the man and cursed in yaoense.

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**TIME SKIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY: WEABITCH PRODUCTIONS.INK**

**\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

***Dah, Dah, Commercial break~***

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Yao: Hello, are you tired of smelling ass everyday? Whether it be your own, your pets, friends, family, or people you don't give a shit about? Well fear no more! When you buy my summer edition of no-smell-ass! First, you get out this huge silver dildo looking spray, and you spray it inside of your nose like so- OH FUCK IT BURNNNNNS, HELP ME DEAR LAWD, SOMEONE, SOMEONE, BITCH CUT OFF THE CAMERA, CUT, CUT, CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Kiku: Hi, my name is Kiku Honda... Today I thought I'd share a story for you guys today and it's about my adoption... When I was four my mother and father decided they couldn't keep me anymore, they were young and they didn't really know how'd they do it... Despite me being with them for four years, they really weren't fit to be parents, even my grandmother said so. She was actually the one I was supposed to be with, but unfortunately she passed away a week before I was put into foster care. I had family left, but they really didn't want me to live with them and decided it was best for me t-t-to *chokes on tears* stay with my foster family. Luckily, I ended up with these **kind-hearted** men named, Yao Wang, along with his boyfr-**

**Yao: KIKU YOU WHORE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION HIM, AHHHHHH *GETS OUT BELT***

**Kiku: *screams like bitch* I'M SORRY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gets whipped with Yao's belt*  
**

**Yaoi- I mean Yao: *WHIP* *WHIP* *WHIP* SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! NOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT FOR TEN DAYS!**

**Kiku: I'm gonna drink bleach...**

**Yao: Already poured some...**

**Kiku: *Takes glass of clorox bleach***

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**-NOW BACK TO THE SHOW- ;D**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Lovi panted like he did after sex, finally he had escaped from the disgusting Spanish man. "Fuckin' finally I have arrived." He yelled, but everyone just stared at him. "Sorry to say sir, but our flight is leaving now and there are no longer any seats available..." Explained the big boobed bub. Lovi's legs felt like some of Kiku's homemade ramen nudes (DAMMIT! I meant...) RAMEN NOODLEs, squiggly and weak. His face felt hot and tinted carmine red. "Oh this isn't good..." The flight attendant said, smiling nervously as she backed away from the nearly dead Italian. But then out of no where, a smiling man who looked like that of a yandere came sprinting faster than sonic to the flight attendant and kicked her in the face. "Que te folle un pez..." = (I hope you get fucked by a fish) said the tanned skin man, knocking the lady down the stairs. This man who probs named Antonio, picked up his lovipop and busted through the plane window, even though the front entrance was open... Lovino was probably dead, but Antonio still held him close, "I'd told you mi amore! We'd be here on time~" He said, kissing Lovino's sickeningly pale and cold face. Everyone gave him strange looks, but he remained oblivious as he still held his "boyfriend" in his arms. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```**

"hey daddy." Keeks begun, looking down at his Iphone 2 to see the latest news. "what is it, hoe." yao asked, taking a sip of that delicious Brazilian starbucks coffee. "that antonio dude, you know the one that used to stalk you when you were forty?" kiku said. "yeaaaaaaah, what about em?" gaylord wang asked. "he was charged with necrophilia, since he was kissing that guy who i tried to get cigs from. he was found dead in his arms." kiku explained, shaking at the thought. "kewl." yaoi pang said, not even listening to his adoptive son. he was too busy checking out a fine tanned booty from across the street. the man he was looking at had rich creamy corn-like hair, orange skin like an orange fruit, and damn was his figure fine... "D-Donald Trump..." China gulped, his ovaries nearly exploding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where's the bleach?

**Author's Note:**

> Remember:  
> \- This is crack, don't take it seriously.  
> \- If anything is offensive, please tell me!  
> \- Enjoy this because your fav made this c;


End file.
